This just in, everyone: The President, Lord Messiah Barack Hussein Obama, peace be upon him(1), has declared that we have a national emergency on our hands! Grab your guns, because the Russians Chinese enemies are invading! Head to the bomb shelters, because the nukes are incoming! Board up your houses, because the next Katrina is on its way!
Oh. Hold on a second… Okay, this just in: The national emergency is because of H1N1? Oh man, it must really be serious, right? It’s the next Black Plague! Entire cities are succumbing to the microbes ravaging the planet! The end is nigh! The government was right! It’s truly a pandemic of epic proportions!
Oh. Hold on a second… Okay, this just in: According to the article that we ourselves just linked to, the CDC is still saying there’s only been 1,000 deaths? Well… A thousand is still an awful lot! It really is serious, isn’t it? And the poor children! 100 kids have fallen to this deadly disease.
Oh. Hold on a second… Okay, this just in: We have nothing specific just yet, but reports say that Americans who are simply being fat are causing over 100,000 deaths in a year. And what’s this? Alcohol causes 85,000 deaths? 175,000 children drown each year?
In light of these numbers, I ask you, dear readers, where are the declarations of national emergency on the dangers of eating at McDonalds? Or chugging your favorite beer at the local bar? Or the dangers of children near water?
Oh. Hold on a second… Okay, this just in: I’ve just been informed that these numbers are from Wikipedia. Wait. One moment please. I need to discuss something with my fact checking crew.
(Why is this an issue? Isn’t there a source for this? There is. People who buy into sensationalism like this are the kind of people who think Wikipedia is accurate without checking sources already! They shouldn’t have any trouble believing this if they believe so much of the other stuff on that thing! Alright, fine. I understand. Don’t let it happen again!)
Okay, we’re back. I apologize for the delay, and I’m sorry to tell you readers that our establishment doesn’t treat Wikipedia as an accurate source and there was a slight misunderstanding with our latest intern, who has been unceremoniously and immediately… Taken care of. As a result, my new fact checker has pointed me to a few more notable sites:
- We have a report from 2006 by our very own CDC that lists the top 15 causes of death in the United States.
- Since H1N1 has been declared a pandemic, we only thought it prudent to include WHO statistics on leading causes of death around the world in 2004.
- For all you proponents of legal marijuana, we are including an independent, but well-sourced chart from DrugWarFacts.org that also lists annual causes of death in the United States.
- And while we’re at it, if you wish to conduct your own research into the leading causes of death, you may wish to use the Google query for leading causes of death!
So in the light of the things that are actually causing high death rates in this country and in light of just how incredibly insignificant the H1N1 numbers are in comparison with the leading causes of death, I again ask you,dear readers, why has The President, Lord Messiah Barack Hussein Obama, peace be upon him, decided to declare a state of national emergency because of this clearly insignificant threat?
To be honest, we’ve given up trying to understand his decisions.
(1)Due to The President, Lord Messiah Barack Hussein Obama’s recent reception of the Nobel Peace Prize, we here are Rivenwolf.net will gladly honor the event by appending the phrase “peace be upon him” whenever we speak to him directly or when we mention him in our reports.