Whale Farts
So hey... Remember when I showed you that there are actually scientists who are studying the effects of cow burps on the environment? As in cow burps causing global warming? Yeah, well... I just stumbled across the most amazing news article! It's old... Really old. August 2003-old. Can you guess what it is? Well... I guess I kind of gave it away by bringing up cow burps, but it's actually something completely different, yet completely the same. Are you ready?
Whale farts. Yep.
Since this was way back in 2003, wouldn't it be a safe assumption to say that a possible increase in whale flatulence is responsible for the oceans getting warmer? (Even though... You know... NASA says they're not.) This is the perfect explanation! Cows are heating up the atmosphere with their farts and whales (the proverbial cow of the ocean) are heating up the oceans with THEIR farts! It's absolutely stunning. I think I've just solved the problem of global warming. Who could have known that hunting whales to extinction could actually be a good thing? Next, in the spirit of giving up our primary energy source in favor of an alternative nobody's given us, I say that we need to exterminate cows and give up our primary meat source in favor of an alternative food source! Hey... I'm just the guy who realizes how much danger we're in. It's up to you to find another source for beef! It's my job to take it away from you... It's your job to scramble around for an alternative. I can afford to wait, even if you can't.
Why yes... This post is satirical. I'm glad you caught on. Well, the article about the whales isn't... It's just that I find it so hilarious that scientists are actually studying the effect of cow farts on global warming. Surely they understand that there are thousands of other species that pass gas, right? There are some things that you just can't do anything about... Stop wasting money. In fact, stop wasting money on global warming as a whole, okay? Please? For the sake of everyone's sanity? (And sometimes their sides... You make us laugh too much sometimes.)